Kids Say the Darndest Things

So cute, it hurts:

Good Doctor

See if you can make out what this kid is saying. I think a good speech therapist would do this kid wonders.

Laying Some Pipe

So these crazy guys want to put a pipe around the world that will be sitting on the surface of the earth at the equator, (assume the world is perfectly spherical and there are no hills or valleys at the equator). Unfortunately, they mess up when they order the pipe, and they order it 3 feet too long. Instead of cutting the pipe, (it's made of an indestructible material), they decide they will just push the ends together and accept the fact that it will now be a bit larger than the circumference of the Earth. Assuming even spacing around the globe, how high off the surface will it be?

What would the answer be if they wanted to do the same thing, and ran into the same problem, on the Sun? On Mars? Around Donald Trump's head?

Everything's Coming Up Rosa

So cool...	they wrote a song about her

When I was growing up, sitting in the back of the bus was cool, (unless of course you were in high school, when not sitting on the bus at all was cool). However, in Montgomery, Alabama in 1955, the adult equivalent of the cool kid seats was located in the front of the bus, and not the back. One black woman, having secured one of the middle section seats, (not as coveted as a front seat, but better than the rear), was asked, along for with three other blacks, to move to the back to make room for a single white man. Rather than standing up for the man waiting to take her seat, she stood up for herself by not standing up at all. Her name was Rosa Parks.

Some mistakenly believe that she only didn't move because she was too weary to do so. However, As Ms. Parks stated in her autobiography:

People always say that I didn't give up my seat because I was tired, but that isn't true. I was not tired physically, or no more tired than I usually was at the end of a working day. I was not old, although some people have an image of me as being old then. I was forty-two. No, the only tired I was, was tired of giving in.

Rosa Parks' actions helped start a chain of events that would eventually eradicate segregationist laws and improve civil rights in America. Her willingness to stand up for herself and her determination to do what she thought was right are qualities that many people either don't show very often or don't posses at all. Her strength of character is something I truly admire, and for that, she has earned the distinction of being W.O.R.D of the week.

When I rode the bus, I thought the cool place to sit was in the back. Rosa Parks showed America that the best place to sit was not the back. It was not the front. It was not the middle. The best place to sit was: anywhere she wanted. That was her right. That was every American’s right. And for that, I’d say she’s pretty darn cool.

Wet and Wild Mondays

I'm a big kid now

After leaving the public restroom at my office today, I casually made my way back to my work space. However, on the way to my desk, I was intercepted by a superior who started asking me various questions about my progress on a number of tasks that I had been assigned. As I was responding, I noticed his eyes were darting between my eyes, and my crotch, which I found a little unnerving, but I tried to ignore it. After it continued, I began getting nervous that my fly was down, because boy, that would be pretty humiliating. Eventually, our conversation ended and I had a chance to make it back to my desk and survey the damage. However, instead of finding an open fly, I found a soaking wet crotch.

Shit.

It was then that I remembered a coworker’s warning not to lean up against the sink counter in the bathroom because it is often wet and will get the front of your clothes wet. Of course, “front of your clothes” really means your crotch, and hence, now people in my office must think I have poor bladder control. Yes, my pants were wet, but I didn’t wet my pants. Damn you, poorly designed sink.

-“Ryan, do you wear boxers or briefs?”
-“Depends”

I hate that joke.

What up, shorty?

So either this little tyke Matt continues to give out the wrong screename to his friends, or his friends don't know how to spell, because they continue to mistakenly IM me. First, it was little Chelsea:

• Wat U Up Tew
• Wat U Up Tew (Part Tew)
• Wat U Up Tew (The Final Chapter)

Now, it's a new girl:

xWHITExPERSON4321: MATTEW!!!!!! ryan: hi white person xWHITExPERSON4321: what is up???!! i thought that your comp was too slow for aim ryan: i'm very fast at soccer xWHITExPERSON4321: what are you talking about man?? ryan: you said i was slow ryan: but i'm fast xWHITExPERSON4321: nooo....your computer ryan: my computer can't play soccer ryan: i can play soccer ryan: what are you talking about? xWHITExPERSON4321: you said that your computer was tooo slow for aim ryan: i never said that. you said i said that. xWHITExPERSON4321: you said hat tho ryan: i said hat? ryan: why would i say "hat" xWHITExPERSON4321: that xWHITExPERSON4321: lol xWHITExPERSON4321: okay xWHITExPERSON4321: haha xWHITExPERSON4321: please dont make fun of me xWHITExPERSON4321: =[ ryan: i'm not ryan: are you making fun of me? xWHITExPERSON4321: no man xWHITExPERSON4321: no way jose ryan: my name is not jose ryan: my name is ryan xWHITExPERSON4321: no ;its not xWHITExPERSON4321: its mattew ryan: i thought it was ryan ryan: am i confused xWHITExPERSON4321: yes yo are xWHITExPERSON4321: ou xWHITExPERSON4321: you ryan: i like white people xWHITExPERSON4321: so do i ryan: do you only like white people? xWHITExPERSON4321: no xWHITExPERSON4321: i like asian ppl too xWHITExPERSON4321: and i like black ppl ryan: i used to like only white people ryan: but now i like tall people too xWHITExPERSON4321: i lilke short people xWHITExPERSON4321: and i like tall ppl xWHITExPERSON4321: but especially short ppl ryan: i don't like short people ryan: i call them shin nibblers xWHITExPERSON4321: but you are short ryan: i'm not short, i'm medium ryan: i'm not a shin nibbler xWHITExPERSON4321: yes you are ryan: well then i will add short people to my list of people to like for today ryan: so today i like ryan: white people ryan: tall people ryan: AND short people xWHITExPERSON4321: what a loving persone ryan: i don't LOVE them ryan: i just LIKE them xWHITExPERSON4321: what a likentifg persoenr ryan: yes, that is me xWHITExPERSON4321: yayers ryan: i wish i was a white person ryan: so that i would like myself ryan: and i wish i was tall xWHITExPERSON4321: mattew xWHITExPERSON4321: dont be and idiot ryan: my name is ryan i thought ryan: i'm just kidding i don't want to be white ryan: i want to be texan ryan: yes, that's what i want ryan: and tall ryan: a tall texan xWHITExPERSON4321: texans are dumb ryan: i want to be a smart, tall, texan ryan: and then everyone will say ryan: look at ryan, the tall texan, who is smart and not at all dumb xWHITExPERSON4321: i thought this was mattew ryan: i said i was ryan ryan: i thought this was white person? xWHITExPERSON4321: this is demi ryan: hi demi xWHITExPERSON4321: why are you on matther's account? ryan: who is matther? ryan: i'm on ryan's account. xWHITExPERSON4321: *matthew ryan: has matthew been using my account? xWHITExPERSON4321: i guess so ryan: oh that matthew! what a rascal. xWHITExPERSON4321 signed off at 3:02:58 PM.

Crazy white people, and their crazy white kids.

Black Eyed Peas of Crap

Let's play find the lovely lady lumps

The Black Eyed Peas have delivered some pretty solid songs over the past few years. Catchy and original, their past several singles have been well received by both the public and by the critics, (having a platinum album and a Grammy to prove it). I too have enjoyed listening to their stuff, and I always make sure to play “Let’s Get It Started” whenever something needs to get started. However, it must be said: their latest song, "My Humps" has to be one of the worst things I've ever heard. The chorus is the following:

What you gon' do with all that junk?All that junk inside that trunk?I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,Get you love drunk off my hump.

What u gon' do with all that ass?All that ass inside them jeans? I'm a make, make, make, make you scream. Make u scream, make you scream.

Cos of my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump. My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps. (Check it out)

However, as goofy as those lyrics are, I can't help but listen to the whole song every time I hear it. It's like the audio version of a car crash. It's disturbing, and yet I can't help but take it all in.

The worst, (or is it best) parts have to be the euphemisms. While I’ve heard of the expression “junk in the trunk” before, (and make a point to use it at least once every time I go bar hopping), I don’t think I’ve ever heard “lovely lady lumps.” I’m pretty sure she’s talking about her chest, but I feel like her ass could also fall under the category of lovely lady lumps. Then again, maybe “my hump, my lovely lady lumps” is her way of letting the world know that she has both scoliosis and tumors. However, as neither of these afflictions would be considered lovely, I’m pretty confident she’s talking about something else. I think next time I see her, I’ll ask.

Water Under the Bridge

It's Thursday again, and that means another puzzle:

Four people need to cross a bridge in the dark as fast as possible. Problem is, the bridge is old and rickety, which has the following implications:
1.The bridge can only support a maximum of two people at one time
2. Anyone crossing must be holding, or standing next to the person holding, the only flashlight they have between the four of them, (so they can see the holes in the bridge).

Due to varying levels of physical fitness, they can cross at different speeds. Alice is a sprinter, and she can cross in 1 minute flat. Bob does his Pilates, and cross in 2 minutes. Caroline is a bit rotund, and it takes her 5 minutes. Doug is very old, and it takes him a full ten minutes to maneuver his walker across the bridge. The problem is, when two people try to cross at the same time, they can only move as fast as the slower of the two. SOOOOOOO...What is the fastest time in which they can get everyone safely across?

Catharine the Great

Catharine Zeta Jones, who has been crowned W.O.R.D of the Week, possesses beauty and grace that rival even the most stunning women in all of history. One look from those eyes, and she will have a man in the palm of her hands. One sales pitch in her Welsh accent, and she will have a man with a cell phone in the palm of his. I don’t like T-Mobile, but I own seventeen of their phones, thanks to the seductive Ms. Zeta-Jones.

Some may wonder, if Ryan really thinks this highly of CZJ, why is she only Woman of Ryan’s Dreams for this week, and not Most Amazing Lady Ever? Well, first, I cannot have a distinction for women called MALE, because that would just be silly. More importantly, while Catharine at one point had the potential to achieve honors far greater than simply WORD of the week, she will never be able to attain those highest of accolades because she has been befouled by a much older man. It hurts me to say this, but it’s true. She tied the knot with Michael Douglas, a man exactly 25 years her senior, (they share the same birthday, which is also kind of creepy). That would be like me waiting two more years, and then marrying a new born baby. Yes, that is exactly what it would be like. Can you imagine me, married to a little baby? No, you cannot. This very accurate and fair analogy proves, without question, that their marriage is an abomination, which has relegated CZJ to a status that is well below her true potential. Catharine Zeta Jones, so very beautiful, and yet, so very tainted. It’s quite sad, really.

Catharine Zeta Jones	Michael Douglas

Baby Got Back (Again)

Do you like big butts? And you cannot lie?

Well, I'm sure you've heard the original song about large posteriors, but have you heard the super duper whitey version? Check it out, and be sure enjoy a tasty mayo sandwhich while you listen!

Baby Got Back

He's like Sir Mix-A-Lot, Only Much Whiter

Chewie On This

Whose hair would you rather have?

Two days ago, the headline “Chewbacca to Become an American” graced the main page of cnn.com. There are two ways that one might interpret this:

Option A: Chewbacca, the alien from Star Wars, actually exists, and has recently been granted US citizenship.

Option B: The actor who played Chewie in the Star Wars movies is becoming an American.

As this was CNN, and not the Weekly World News, (the paper that brings you weekly updates on Bat Boy and the Pumpkin People), I figured it would be the latter. To my disappointment, I was correct. While option A would have been pretty interesting, (a space alien that is no longer an illegal alien), Option B, the actual story, is not interesting at all. Does this deserve to be on the front page of CNN? Is this even news? I’d be surprised if George Lucas even knows the actor’s name who played Chewbacca, (it’s Peter Mayhew, by the way).

I skimmed the article, hoping for something out of the ordinary or some redeeming twist, but the only thing of note was this:

“When he takes his oath to become an American, Mayhew said he'll recite what he
can remember and ‘it will be a Chewie growl for the other parts.’”

Thank you, CNN, for keeping me abreast of the most important news stories of the day. Using this story as a benchmark, here are some potential headlines for tomorrow:

“Girl in Milwaukee Eats a Large Sandwich”
“Dog to Give Birth to More Puppies.”
“D.C. Resident Switches Loyalty from cnn.com to msnbc.com”

Lincoln vs. Kennedy

Many have probably heard this before, but I thought I would share it in the hopes of reaching someone new:

• Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
• John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
  
  
• Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
• John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
  
  
• Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
• Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
  
  
• Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
• Both Presidents were shot in the head.
  
  
• Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
• Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
  
  
• Both were assassinated by Southerners.
• Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
  
  
• Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
• Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
  
  
• John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
• Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
  
  
• Both assassins were known by their three names.
• Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
  
  
• Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
• Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
  
  
• Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
• Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
  
  
• Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
  
  And here's the grand finale:
  
  
• A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
• A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Isn’t history great?!

Piece of Cake!

Have your cake and cut it too

Thursday is now "Puzzle Day". Why, you ask? Because today, my fortune cookie said, "You will put weekly puzzles in your blog." As I've never been one to question the cookie, here it is:

If I give you a regular cheesecake and knife, what is the most number of pieces you can make with four straight cuts?

To Biel or Not to Biel, That is the Question

W.O.R.D. fo' sho!

I recently noticed on cnn.com that Esquire magazine named Jessica Biel “The Sexiest Woman Alive.” While she is certainly smokin’ hot, I don’t know that I would have awarded her this honor. Angelina Jolie, (last year’s recipient), and many others for that matter, have Biel beat. If you ask most men how they feel in their hearts, (or in their pants), they’ll probably tell you the same.

Don’t get me wrong: Biel is gorgeous. I remember discovering her on the TV show 7th Heaven when I was 14 and then sitting through an entire episode of that crappy nothingness, merely because she was in it. When I later discovered the premise of the show was to promote Christian family values, I felt kinda bad that I spent the entire episode tuning out any message of morality while totally fixating on young Jessica. Luckily for me, the advent of the internet meant I never would have to watch the show again, (Goodbye, thinly veiled sermons. Hello, Jessica Biel websites).

Enough reminiscing about my teenage fantasy girls. Back to the subject at hand: Jessica Biel is gorgeous; I just don’t feel that she is “The Sexiest Woman Alive.” However, Jessica, if you’re reading this, don’t feel too upset, because I have decided to bestow upon you the honor of “Woman Of Ryan’s Dreams” for this week. While certainly less prestigious that “Sexiest Woman Alive”, being WORD of the week is certainly nothing to scoff at. So congrats Jessica, you’ve been demoted to a more fitting, (albeit fake) title, by someone who has no right or authority to do so. Let’s go out and celebrate!

Fun With Colon

So many colons, so little time [travel]

Did you know that in Spanish, Christopher Columbus is known as Cristóbal Colón? Well, this got me thinking, wouldn't it be funny if Colon Powell went back in time and married Cristóbal Colón and changed his name to Colon Colón? Yeah, you're right, that WOULD be pretty crazy!

Happy Columbus Day

He directed Home Alone!

Since 1971, the second Monday in October has been used to celebrate Christopher Columbus, the person commonly referred to as the discoverer of the “New World”. Of course, the more educated will point out that he had discovered an already inhabited land, having been populated around 10,000 years earlier by Eurasians crossing the land bridge at what is now the Bering Straight. Even the Vikings explored parts of North America some 500 years before Columbus. Still, while ol’ Chrissy Columbo may not have been the first, his voyage certainly had an undeniable impact on the fate of the Americas.

However, those who argue that without Christopher Columbus, this land that you and I know would be a much different place are fooling themselves. It was only a matter of time before the New World caught the attention of Western Europe; Columbus just got to be the fortunate first. So how WOULD things be different if he hadn’t been the first to make that fabled voyage in 1492? As far as I can tell, the only thing that would change would be names of things. A river, a state capital, the United States’ capital, a university in NYC, the director of Home Alone and Harry Potter, and the country where I get my drugs would all be called something else. What, you ask? Well, depends on who the next guy or gal was. Let’s say the next explorer was named Biff McTickles. We’d have the McTickles River; McTickles, South Carolina; Washington, DM; McTickles University, Biff McTickles, and Venezuela, Part II, (you didn’t think they would name an entire country after someone named Biff McTickles, did you?!).

In any case, it wasn’t ol’ Biff who alerted Europe to the new continents; it was Christopher Columbus, and that is why today’s holiday is named what it is. And while I didn’t do anything to actually celebrate it, (I had to work), I must admit, it feels pretty good to spend Columbus Day in a city that is not Columbus, Ohio. Ah, you smell that? That’s the smell of freedom. On that note, Happy Columbus Day!

Saturday Night Fever

Bust-A-Move or Busted Moves? Fat guy getting freaky...

Last night's bar hopping presented me with some of the craziest dancing I've seen in a while. A man dressed in a black suit, a black undershirt, and a black fedora, who looked like an Asian version of Michael Jackson, did his best to woo the ladies with his moves. When the song "Billy Jean" came on, I waited for him to break out the moonwalk, but unfortunately, that move did not seem to be apart of his repertoire. Instead, he just shimmied around and tried his best to imitate the King of Pop, but his performance was definitely subpar. I feel that, if you really wanna nail the MJ impersonation, you need to know the moonwalk. Or keep little boys in your bed. But hey, that's just me.

However, Asian MJ was totally upstaged by the gentleman above. Balding, overweight, and sweaty, he felt no qualms about opening his shirt, tying the bottom two corners together, and then throwing himself around the bar like he was on fire and looking for an extinguisher. But hey, he seemed like he was having a great time, as did his lady friend, and so I admire that. In fact, when I'm his age, I can see myself busting out ridiculous dance moves, although hopefully I'll have a little more hair, a little more fashion sense, and a little less beer belly. After all, dancing around in front of total strangers like a complete idiot should not be restricted to the youthful. In fact, if I don't make someone say "Tell Grandpa Ryan to stop grinding on those two women and take his pills!", then I won't have lived life to the fullest. Having fun is what life is all about, even if it means embarrassing the ones you love. Which I fully intend on doing. Sorry current and future family. It's inevitable.

Face, meet pole.

I was sitting on the subway today, and I watched this two year old girl running away from her mom toward the back of the train in that awkward stumble that constitutes a toddler's sprint. Unfortunately for her, the train jerked foward, catching her completely off guard, (actually, can toddlers ever be ON guard?). In any case, her face and an upright metal pole collided with a force that forever changed the appearance of both. As she sat their crying on the floor for the rest of the train ride, I made sure to make a mental note: if I ever have kids, they will be teathered to me by leashes.

And now, it's time to hop back on the subway so I can meet that special someone who can be my baby's momma!

wat u up tew (the final chapter)

Well, I think this is the last chapter in a rather uneventful story. If you haven't read the following:

• Wat U Up Tew
• Wat U Up Tew (Part Tew)

dont' bother reading below, because it won't make any sense. If you HAVE read the above, also don't bother reading below, because below is boring. Basically, whoever you are, stop reading now.

Chels1212 (5:39:48 PM): HeYY. Chels1212 (5:39:50 PM): whats up ? ryan (5:40:17 PM): hi Chels1212 (5:40:35 PM): is this matt ur what ryan (5:41:06 PM): no, i'm not actually matt ryan (5:41:13 PM): my name is ryan Chels1212 (5:41:27 PM): do u go to [name of middle school removed] ryan (5:42:05 PM): No. Chels1212 (5:42:16 PM): Isnt this matt [last name removed]'s sn. though ryan (5:42:32 PM): no, this is my screename. Chels1212 (5:42:44 PM): Omg. Im so sorry. ryan (5:42:49 PM): no problem Chels1212 (5:42:51 PM): I thought this was matts. Chels1212 (5:42:57 PM): do you know matt. ryan (5:43:00 PM): no i don't ryan (5:42:53 PM): but hey listen, some advice ryan (5:42:59 PM): you should be very careful ryan (5:43:05 PM): because i'm a nice guy ryan (5:43:10 PM): but there are a lot of sickos out there Chels1212 (5:43:16 PM): okay. ryan (5:43:19 PM): and you shouldn't give out so much info ryan (5:43:26 PM): like your full name is in your screenname ryan (5:43:33 PM): and so people can find out a lot about you Chels1212 (5:43:41 PM): how do you know Chels1212 (5:43:45 PM): this is my full name is in here ryan (5:43:57 PM): chels is short for chelsea Chels1212 (5:44:00 PM): yea ryan (5:44:06 PM): and [last name removed and replaced by "1212" in her screenname] is your last name Chels1212 (5:44:12 PM): yea. Chels1212 (5:44:18 PM): and do you know me or do i know yo ryan (5:44:18 PM): and you can use the internet to look up that you go to [middle school name removed] ryan (5:44:42 PM): like it even says you were student of the month Chels1212 (5:44:49 PM): where. Chels1212 (5:44:57 PM): give me the site. ryan (5:44:59 PM): type your name in google ryan (5:45:02 PM): [link removed] ryan (5:45:03 PM): there is the link Chels1212 (5:45:15 PM): thanx ryan (5:45:56 PM): no problem ryan (5:46:13 PM): i have a little sister, and i would tell her the same thing ryan (5:46:22 PM): i wouldn't let her put out too much info ryan (5:46:28 PM): i'm just saying, be careful Chels1212 (5:46:31 PM): ok. ryan (5:46:32 PM): and make sure you know who you are talking to Chels1212 (5:46:35 PM): kk ryan (5:47:17 PM): Ok, take care, and good luck in 8th grade. ryan (5:47:29 PM): That was a fun grade, but high school is better. ryan (5:47:37 PM): And good luck with Matt [Matt's last name removed] ;-) Chels1212 signed off at 5:49:17 PM.

And that is the end of that, (so I hope).

Crazy kids.

It took some balls

Don't you just want to kick them?

My apartment building’s gym comes equipped with several different sized stability balls, all randomly scattered around the facility. Whenever I get close to these brightly colored rubber balls, my first instinct is to kick them as hard as I can, (thank you, elementary school gym class). Because this is not conducive to a good workout for either me or for the other people using the other equipment, I always do my best to steer clear of these giant spherical distractions.

One of the many positions I tried

However, this morning, after completing my workout, I found myself drawn to them, and while fighting my desire to kick or bounce them, I decided that I would in fact try and use them as intended. The problem was I had no idea how to use them properly. After looking around and confirming that I was the only one in the workout center, (so that no one would see me make an ass of myself), I brought the different balls together and tried to figure out ways that they could in fact be used. After trying innumerable combinations of positions, dumbbells, and balls, I found myself rolling on the floor hugging the giant orange ball, laughing out loud at how stupid I felt. However, when I looked up, I noticed that now, I was no longer alone in the gym. There were now residents using the treadmills, staring at me with puzzled looks. They probably had trouble figuring out why I was rolling around on the floor, playing with the balls by myself and laughing. I stood up like everything was cool, and strode out of there as quickly as I could without making it obvious that I was fleeing their judging eyes.

I think my neighbors think I’m mentally challenged.

Letters for Santa

I don't really feel like thinking tonight, but maybe you do.

Can you find a group a group of letters from which you can spell more words than there are letters, by using ALL the letters in the group?

Like, "T", "E", "A" can spell "tea", "ate" and "eat", but that's three words and three letters. Can you do better?

The Gouda, the Bad, and the Ugly

David Hasselhoff is known to most as "Michael Knight" from Knight Rider or "Mitch Buchannon" from Bay Watch, and to some crazy Germans, as "David Hasselhoff, Der Erstaunliche Sänger". However, thanks to my cousin Daryl, who alerted me to the David Hasselhoff calendar, I now know David Hasselhoff not as any of the above, but instead, as "The Cheesiest Man Alive". This is quite the distinction, because many have fought to earn such a title, but as the pictures below will demonstrate, this honor belongs solely to the 'Hoff.

Warning: due to excessive cheesiness, the FDA requires me to warn you that the photos below are not for the faint of heart, nor for the lactose intolerant.

David Hasselhoff

...likes futuristic cars

...but real cars too.
He likes riding on bikes...and on swings.
He likes wearing leather...

In fact, sometimes that's all he wears.

He loves his country.

But he hates animals.

Just kidding, he loves animals:
Oh my god, he really loves animals!
He's very sorry he loves animals so much. Won't you forgive him?

How could you stay mad at him? He's just so goofy.

These pictures have to be some of the most ridiculous in the history of... well, anything. David Hasselhoff, you crazy bastard, you make me chuckle.

FUDMV

I've been in Arlington for 8 months now, and still don't have a Virginia Driver's License. It hasn't been a huge deal, since I don't own a car here, (I just walk, take a cab, or ride the metro to wherever I need to go in DC). However, every now and then I need to rent cars for work, and I've been using my out-of-date PA license while telling the rental agents that I was still a PA resident. This dishonesty has weighed heavily on my heart for several months now, and it prompted me to finally take action and go to the DMV. Unfortunately, the closest DMV open on Saturday wasn't anywhere near DC.

So, I hopped on this:

And then caught this:

I got off on the right road, but the wrong stop. I thought "I'm at 2800 Gallows Road, which should be only 9 blocks from 1900 Gallows Road." So I started walking down this:

Turns out it was a bit farther than 9 blocks. 3 miles and 1 hour later, I see this:

Look closely: that's a line wrapping around the building. So then I waited in this:

Finally, I got inside, only to find that I had to take a number and wait in this:

Finally, it was my turn to speak with a woman at the counter, who told me the license computers weren't working:
Meaning that I couldn't get this:
I felt like this:

I hate the DMV.