Pigeons Be-Fowling the Neighborhood

I like animals. I like people. However, don't be fooled by these generalizations; there are definitely some animals and some people I like a whole lot less than others. Today, I'd like to talk about two such examples: pigeons, and people who feed the pigeons.

Me, stepping over pigeons on my way to work.

In general, pigeons are dirty birds. Probably not all of them, just 99.99% of them. And hey, that's natural. Animals often are dirty, and that's their "right". However, unlike other animals who choose to be dirty, (like say, a badger), pigeons don't stay out of my way. Rather, these brazen birds bob and weave their way along the sidewalk right in my path, making me have to do a Monty Python Silly Walk just to make sure I don’t step on them. And when they’re not on the ground getting in my way, then they’re in the air pooping on me and everything I know and love. Do pigeons pee? Well, if they do, they are probably doing that on me as well.

But hey, birds will be birds. That is what they do; that is who they are. They don’t know any better. However, this brings me to the people I dislike: those who feed the pigeons. YOU are the real source of my ire today. YOU are the reason there are so many of them hanging out where I live and work. And YOU are pissing me off.

For example, there is this homeless woman who throws birdseed and breadcrumbs to pigeons right in front of my office building. This means that I have to navigate my way through a mine field of birds just to get into work. Eventually, they decide to all take flight en masse, which makes me cover my face like a scared little child (pigeons gouging my eyes out is like #8 on my biggest fears list). Instead of feeding the bread to the pigeons, that homeless woman should take the bread and pigeons and make a pigeon sandwich. Everyone would be better off. Except for the pigeons in the pigeon pate I guess. And except for the homeless woman, since she’d probably contract Avian Flu or something. Alright, I guess I don’t like that idea. But I also don’t like pigeons and pigeon ladies. So let me think about this for a bit…