Orange Jews

"What do Jews do on Christmas?" is a question as old as time itself. As the famed mathematician Nelson Muntz once said, "That's like asking the square root of a million - no one will ever know." Well, truth be told, while I cannot speak for all Jews, I CAN tell you how what I did. Drum roll, please...

I had returned to PA to stay at my parent's house for the holidays. I spent Christmas Eve day at a local sports bar with friends drinking and watching football. Eventually, the bar closed early, (around 4 pm) so that everyone could go to church, including my Christian friends. I, the lone Jew-wolf of the group, went back home to partake in a cherished and time-honored ryan-tradition: the Christmas Eve mid-afternoon nap. While my friends fought against sleeping while sitting on un-comfy pews, I embraced it while nestled snug in my bed. It was heavenly.

After awakening from my slumber, my brother and I decided to partake in yet another Christmas Eve tradition: our trek to Atlantic City to gamble away our money. Last year, it was just Kyle and me; this year, we manage to recruit a Hindu and a Muslim to join the dynamic Jew-o in our heathen trek to a city of sin. AC is always fun - except when you lose. Luckily for me, I left with about 150 more than I started with. Sometimes I wonder if the guy giving me all that money was betting part of his daughter's college fund. If little Suzy doesn't go to college on account of me taking her daddy's money, I'd sure feel lousy.

We returned around 4 am, and I passed out until around 1 pm. My family and I then went to see Stephen Spielberg’s Munich. That's right, a family of Jews when to see a movie about Jews killing Jew-killers, on the birthday of the King of all Jews, (so says non-Jews). The whole experience was so... Jewish.

To top the day off, we then went and had Chinese food. Sitting in the empty restaurant with my family, listening to the Christmas music playing through the ceiling speakers, I couldn't help but draw the obvious comparison to Ralphie's experience at the end of a Christmas Story. I waited patiently for the waiters to come out and sing "Deck the halls with bells of frory, fra ra ra ra ra ra" but alas, they didn't grant me my one dying wish. Well, ok, not DYING, but my one wish of that particular dinner.

Overall, it was a swell couple of days. I hope you all, whether Christian, non-Christian, or somewhere in between, (those who have a Chanukah Bush, believe in Kwanza Claus, or have other wacky hybrid traditions), had a lovely couple of days as well. Hooray for holidays!

Animal Aeronautics

Apparently, someone stole a penguin from a British zoo. Authorities speculate the that thief took the animal in hopes that he could then present it to his significant other as a cute gift. See The Penguin Story

However, I have descovered the true whereabouts of this missing penguin. I'm sad to say, he's being held hostage by the abomidable snow man, where he is continually battered by the hideous man-beast for pleasure at the expense of his pain. My high score is 322.9.

In a similar story of animal cruelty and neglect, kittens are being launched out of cannons, where there bodies are then subjected to various bombs, TNT, spikes, and venus fly traps. My high score is 1948 ft.

But seriously, animal cruelty in real life is no laughing matter. Animal cruelty in cartoons is up for debate. And for goodness sake, don't forget to spay and neuter your pets! Bob Barker thanks you.

Beat these scores! But don't beat your pets!

For All The Marbles

Weighing Marbles Can Be Both Fun AND Sexy

You have twelve marbles, labeled 1 - 12. One of them weights slightly more OR slightly less, (you're not sure which), and the difference is imperceptible to you. You have a balance, (one of those antiquated devices that blind women in front of courthouses like holding). Using this tool, what is the minimum number of weighings that you can use to ALWAYS find:
a. which of the twelve is different
b. whether the different marble weights more or less than his sister marbles

Answering just a number of weighings is not enough for full credit; you need to explain why. Good luck!

No Foreskin, No Cry

Shalom, biatches!

So to all of you who said that Hassidic Jews can’t rap over melodic reggae sounds, I say: weird, why would you say that? But also, check out Matisyahu. If you haven’t heard of him, perhaps you will. His current single, “King Without A Crown” is number 23 on the US Modern Rock charts, and has a chance at breaking into the top 20. This “Hassidic Reggae Superstar”, as he is known on the streets, might even be coming to a town near you. He is coming to DC on Christmas Day, (Jews don’t have much to do on Christmas day except accounting, eating Chinese food, and the occasional putting on a concert for other bored Jews). Unfortunately for me, I won’t be in DC on Christmas. However, I will be near Philly on Christmas Eve, and joy to the world, he will be performing then and there. Hooray! Unfortunately for me, 99.9% of my friends are not Jewish and will be busy then doing Christian-esque stuff. For the remaining few who won’t be partaking in the Christmas Eve fun, they either hate reggae, have dreidel spinning plans, or are busy planning on how they can take over the world.

But not Matisyahu. He’s too busy singing about the big man upstairs. That big guy in the sky. No, not the Notorious B.I.G. The Notorious G.O.D. Or is it Tupac? Crap, now I can’t remember…

Shop Till You Drop, Drop, Drop It Like It's Hot

For those who are looking to do some last minute Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanza/atheist Day/Other shopping, here are some of my favorite get-stuff-cheap websites:

www.slickdeals.net = This site lists a few new deals every day. Items range from cooking pans to computer parts to magazine subscriptions. Note: “slick” refers to being “smooth” or “clever”, not “greasy” like an unwashed teenager.

www.woot.com = Woot.com has just one deal a day. Every day at 1 am, they post a new item that they will continue to sell until they run out, (and then they post, "Sold out!"). Then the craziness starts over at 1 am the next night, (or morning, depending on how you few those first few am hours).

www.gotapex.com = This sight is all about computers. If you want a good deal on a PC or laptop, or parts for one, check it out. If you hate computers, stay away. STAY AWAY I SAID!

www.fatwallet.com = this is like a more extensive version of slickdeals.net. I like to check out the hot deals forum (http://www.fatwallet.com/forums/ and click on the "Hot Deals" link on the top left), where users post great bargains that they've found. However, there are often a lot of posts to go through, so it requires time and patience, (which I rarely have). Think: online version of a bargain bin at Wal-Mart or a thrift store; after rooting through a ton of crap, you might find a gem if you aren't first attacked by the elderly or crazy cat ladies. It's an epidemic, people. But I digress.


Of course, there are the more common internet retailers:

www.amazon.com - not just a rainforest anymore!
www.ebay.com - you can't legally buy or sell kidneys, but I think everything else is ok
www.overstock.com - they had this commercial with this hot middle aged woman. I still dream about her.
www.craigslist.com - online classifieds, done a la Craig. Who is Craig, you say? Perhaps a better question is: "Who ISN'T Craig?!" Wait. No. That is a decidedly worse question.

OK, that's it. Perhaps now you can find something for your friends/coworkers/loved ones/hated ones/puppies/yoga instructor. Because dammit, they're all just so hard to shop for.

Happy Chrismahanukwanzakah!

My Three Sons

Here is an extra credit problem from a fourth grader's homework. If you are still in fourth grade, it's understandable that you won't get the answer. After all, it is extra credit, implying it is beyond some, but not all, fourth grade students). However, if you are in 5th grade or above, I'm sure it will be a piece of cake. Here it is:

A woman has three sons. Her friend asks her how old they are, and she replies, "If you multiply their ages together, you get 72". The friend thinks about it for a bit, and he says, "I cannot figure out their ages." So she replies, well, the sum of their ages equals my house number. The friend looks up the woman's house number, but eventually comes back and says, "I still do not know their ages." Finally, the woman says, "Well, my oldest son is named Arnold". Then the friend says with certainty, "I now know their ages."

What are their ages?


Keep in mind, this is a fourth grade problem, so their ages are all whole numbers, (don't even think about fractions...what are you, a sixth grader or something?!). Good luck, kiddies!

XYZ (Examine Your Zipcar)

I recently joined a car sharing program called "Zip Car". For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term "car sharing", here's how it works: Car sharing companies purchase a bunch of cars, places them strategically throughout major metropolitan areas, and then members of the program can pay an hourly rate to use them, (basically, renting by the hour rather than by the day). In order to use a Zip Car, I reserve the car online for the time slot I want, and then I go to the cars, (which happen to be located conveniently next to my building). Using a special pass that I can wave in front of the car doors, the car senses it is me, (and that I have it reserved during this time). It then automatically unlocks the door, and I can drive away using the key which is tethered to the dashboard. It's great because I get the convenience of a car but pay far less than I would if I actually owned one, (I don't have to worry about car payments, car insurance, gas, parking or anything else besides the hourly rate).

Of course, this scheme only works in metropolitan areas where cars are not required to get around. I normally don't need a car (I live within a block of a subway stop, my work, a mall, a movie theater etc) so therefore, I can get by most days without entering an automobile. Zip Car comes in handy when I need to venture beyond where public transit or walking can conveniently take me. If you live in an urban area, you should look to see if Zip Car, (or Flex Car, or one of the other car sharing companies) is available in your neighborhood. However, if you live in the suburbs, (or anywhere else where cars are required to get pretty much anywhere), then this program would not be feasible for you.

Well Sharon, I'm done sharing my feelings about car sharing. Hopefully, someone out there learned something new today. Seacrest, out!

Sweet Home, Ala...Virginia

For the last 10 months, when someone would inquire about where I was living or working, I would respond with "Washington, DC".

I was lying.

Truth be told, my current residence is not in DC at all, but in Arlington, Virginia. Granted, I live only a couple of miles from the heart of DC, and my apartment is only half a block from a DC metro stop, and Arlington was at one point part of DC, but was retroceded to Viriginia in 1847, (thanks, Wikipedia). But the fact remains: Now that I live and work in Virginia, and have a Virginia License, (yes, I finally got one. Screw you, DMV ), I am now technically a Virginian.

Translation: I am no longer a Damn Yankee. I am a Southern Gentleman.

As I left the DMV, I naively thought this change of residence wouldn't result in any significant transformations. However, I have been told that, before long, my mannerisms and behaviors will inevitably change as I am consumed by the Southern way of life. Some of the changes I can expect:

• "All of you" will become "Ya'll". Is this contraction the result of verbal efficiency, laziness or poor education? Remind me to tell you once I start to use it.
• Grits will become a staple of my Southern breakfasts.
• I will begin to eat fried things which, as a Northerner, I never imagined possible. Examples include fried green tomatoes and fried Twinkies.
• I will begin to refer to "The Civil War" as "The War of Northern Aggression."
• My dislike of country music will wane, as my propensity for wearing cowboy hats will increase.
• I will have difficulty deciding whether to spend my Saturday at a NASCAR event or watching a rodeo.
• Jeff Foxworthy will become a comedic god to me, and I will find the Blue Collar Comedy tour to be the funniest thing on television. I will not only crack up when Larry the Cable guy says "Git'r Done!", but I myself will embrace that expression and throw it into my daily conversations.
• My distrust of the government will increase, as will my gun collection.
• I will chew, (and spit) tobacco. Oh, that reminds me … I'm gonna need to invest in a quality spittoon!
• I will grow a mullet.

Did I neglect to mention that I'll also drink 40 oz malt liquor from brown bags?

These are merely a few of the changes you will undoubtedly notice in me over the coming months. Advanced computer simulations have released a photo of what I could potentially end up looking like, and I have included said picture here, and in my profile.

Well, that's all folks. But ya'll come back now, ya here!?

Food for Thought

Yeah, I know. I've been a bad blogger. Well, I'll try and turn that around by blogging fairly regularly again, starting this weekend. In the meantime, mull over this one:

If McDonalds sells its new Chicken Selects in boxes of 6, 9 and 20, what's the largest number of new Chicken Selects that you CANNOT exactly purchase?

Was that unclear?

Well, here's an example: I CAN purchase 15 Chicken Selects, (one box of 6 and one box of 9). I CANNOT buy exactly 16. I CANNOT buy 17. I CAN buy 18. Get it? Great!

The Truth About Cats and Blogs

On the way back from a recruiting dinner in Philadelphia, my coworkers and I were enjoying a pleasant conversation in the Amtrak dining car, (we were eating chips, salsa and cookies, and drinking from little bottles of Chardonnay ... the snack of champions). As we approached Baltimore, I couldn't help but remember the last time I took a train from Baltimore to DC, and that prompted me to share the fiasco with my rental car from two weeks prior. As I told it, my one coworker, Michelle, mentioned "Oh, yeah, I know about this. I read it in your blog." My other coworker, who happens to be the president of the company, inquired, "Blog? Ryan, you have a blog?" I admitted that I did have one, but tried to change the subject. Luckily, we eventually moved on to other topics, and I never surrendered the address of this blog, but the fact remains: I've been outted as a blogger. While the president, (and senior members of my company) do not know of the whereabouts of this blog, I imagine that it is only a matter of time before the site address casually comes out in a future conversation with me or one of the other coworkers who know about it.

Hmmm...could this be trouble?

While I don't think it would be devastating if they discovered it, I think that this blog and senior management are two worlds that should not collide. Michelle later apologized for letting the cat out of the blog and recommended that, as a potential solution, I could make up a fake blog and post a few inoffensive entries in it. That way, if I am every confronted about the whereabouts of my blog, I could point the unwanted guests at the fake blog. But then, I'm not sure I want to spend the time to work on a fake blog, so that people at work won't read my real blog. Would it be worth it? Not sure. Any thoughts? Feelings? Riddles or jokes?

Stop it! This is no time for jokes.

Let there be light

You are in a room with three light switches, labeled 1,2 and 3. They are all in the "off" position. You are told that in a different room, (whose interior is not currently visible to you from the current room), there are three light bulbs, labeled A, B and C. Your goal is to determine which switch controls which bulb. You are allowed to turn on or off any switch, but once you go to the room with the bulbs, you are not allowed to return to the first room. How do you do it?