Orange Jews

"What do Jews do on Christmas?" is a question as old as time itself. As the famed mathematician Nelson Muntz once said, "That's like asking the square root of a million - no one will ever know." Well, truth be told, while I cannot speak for all Jews, I CAN tell you how what I did. Drum roll, please...

I had returned to PA to stay at my parent's house for the holidays. I spent Christmas Eve day at a local sports bar with friends drinking and watching football. Eventually, the bar closed early, (around 4 pm) so that everyone could go to church, including my Christian friends. I, the lone Jew-wolf of the group, went back home to partake in a cherished and time-honored ryan-tradition: the Christmas Eve mid-afternoon nap. While my friends fought against sleeping while sitting on un-comfy pews, I embraced it while nestled snug in my bed. It was heavenly.

After awakening from my slumber, my brother and I decided to partake in yet another Christmas Eve tradition: our trek to Atlantic City to gamble away our money. Last year, it was just Kyle and me; this year, we manage to recruit a Hindu and a Muslim to join the dynamic Jew-o in our heathen trek to a city of sin. AC is always fun - except when you lose. Luckily for me, I left with about 150 more than I started with. Sometimes I wonder if the guy giving me all that money was betting part of his daughter's college fund. If little Suzy doesn't go to college on account of me taking her daddy's money, I'd sure feel lousy.

We returned around 4 am, and I passed out until around 1 pm. My family and I then went to see Stephen Spielberg’s Munich. That's right, a family of Jews when to see a movie about Jews killing Jew-killers, on the birthday of the King of all Jews, (so says non-Jews). The whole experience was so... Jewish.

To top the day off, we then went and had Chinese food. Sitting in the empty restaurant with my family, listening to the Christmas music playing through the ceiling speakers, I couldn't help but draw the obvious comparison to Ralphie's experience at the end of a Christmas Story. I waited patiently for the waiters to come out and sing "Deck the halls with bells of frory, fra ra ra ra ra ra" but alas, they didn't grant me my one dying wish. Well, ok, not DYING, but my one wish of that particular dinner.

Overall, it was a swell couple of days. I hope you all, whether Christian, non-Christian, or somewhere in between, (those who have a Chanukah Bush, believe in Kwanza Claus, or have other wacky hybrid traditions), had a lovely couple of days as well. Hooray for holidays!