How Much Is That Doggy, In the New Year? (Woof Woof)

In order to celebrate the Chinese New Year, I decided that I would order some Chinese takeout. I got the idea from seeing non-Chinese people buying non-Chinese food on Jan 1st, (a non-Chinese New Year), and it seemed like a good idea.

Anyway, as I was waiting in the restaurant for them to bring out my take-out, I started reading over the placemats that list the 12 signs of the Zodiac. Seeing as they told me 15 minutes but it took 45, I had plenty of time to study all 12. As it is the Year of the Dog, I feel like it is only appropriate to bitch about how silly all this is. Just because you and I were born in the same year does not automatically make you and I more alike than me and some other person who was born in a prior year. The same goes for horoscopes. I was born in the year of the Dog, and I am an Aries. And this means … a whole lot of nothing. Some Mongolian yak herder who happened to be born in April of 1958 probably shares fewer personality traits with me than I share with my brother, who is a Taurus Rat. Call it a hunch, but I feel pretty good about that assertion. But if you can round up a yak herder who proves me wrong, I will happily admit that I was incorrect. But then I will sadly admit that you wasted a ridiculous amount of time and energy proving me wrong. You really need rethink your priorities, my friend.

I really hope I haven’t destroyed anyone’s views on how the world works, but if I did, well, it had to be done. Unless of course you are part of the communist regime in China, and then to you I say, I’m sorry for insulting your Zodiac signs. I think they are great. Please don’t send out your super secret communist killers to harm me or my family. Thanks for your understanding.

Unicorns Are Cool

Some pictures might be worth a thousand words, others might be worth a thousand dollars. This pictures is worth a thousand smiles, because honestly, have you ever seen something as beautiful and wonderous as this photograph?(yes, it is an authentic photograph. Don't try and convince me otherwise)

It has moved me to tears...tears of joy!

Like a surgeon...touched for the very first time

Ever wanted to see if you have the steady hand to be a surgeon? See if you can navigate the maze without touching the walls: http://www.winterrowd.com/maze.swf
Turn on your sound; it helps.

Smooth and Creamy

While running on the treadmill earlier today, I found myself staring at a TV that was tuned to some station which had chosen to broadcast “The Bodyguard.” For those of you who don’t remember this classic, let me enlighten you: It has Kevin Costner protecting Whitney Houston, and somehow they become romantically involved. I can’t get into more detail because I never saw any of it before the small chunk I regrettably watched today, and that small chunk did not reveal enough for me to figure out what was going on, nor did it inspire me to rent the movie to find out more. Whatever happened to KC anyways? He’s sure fallen a long way, eh?

Anywho, like most movies not broadcast on premium channels, this one was interspersed with many commercials. I couldn’t help but notice that 75%+ were clearly directed toward women, most likely because those responsible for advertising know that no man in his right mind would sit through this movie, unless he is forced to watch it with his significant other, or is stuck on a treadmill .

While there were several commercials that really got me thinking, I would have to say that the most intriguing commercial spouted the benefits of using Vagisil. What I had to wonder was, how does one end up in a Vagisil commercial? I bet the actress was some Midwestern girl who had dreams of making it big in Hollywood, only to find out that she didn’t have what it takes to be in movies or TV. It probably went down like this:

[Talent Agent] – Well Betsy, the boys at the studio say you don’t have quite what they are looking for to be Extra #37 in Friday 13th Part XXIV.
[Betsy] – Well, what am I to do?
[Talent Agent] – Well, your face is naturally contorted such that you appear to be uncomfortable. You ever thought about pitching vaginal creams?
[Betsy] – (puzzled look)
[Talent Agent] – You could be the face of vagisil. We’ll give you 30 bucks and a lifetime supply!
[Betsy] - You had me at “vaginal creams”!

Being Miss Teen Vagisil probably isn't viewed too favorably by her high school peers

I wonder if these Vagisil, Hemorrhoids, and Herpes people are embarrassed by the commercials they star in? I guess someone’s got to do it…I’m just glad it’s not me.

Genes in Jeopardy

It would seem that living the consultant lifestyle might put my ability to have children in jeopardy. Unfortunately, I'm talking about danger, not about the show "Jeopardy!" with that knowledgable Alex Trebek, (after all, "my ability to have children" can't compete on such a show due to eligibility requirements). It appears that a laptop on my jeans is a bad move for my genes. To think, all this time I've marvelled at how a laptop keeps my lap cozy and warm, and in reality, that warmth has potentially been killing off my seed. Most of you will probably think this is a good thing, (I've been told that living in a world of Webers would be a fate worse than death, but I'm pretty sure my mom was kidding when she said that). However, this saddens me. Maybe I'll start wearing a heat resistant diaper, one that is as fashionable as it is functional. Stay tuned ten years from now, and we'll see if any of my consorts is preggers.

No Sweat

In my gym, I consistently see an overweight man wearing what appears to be a rain jacket, in doors, while he rides the Stairmaster. The tight plastic green jacket snuggly fits him, and during his workout, he manages to sweat completely through it. By the time he is finished, it looks like he just ran inside my gym after being caught in a torrential downpour. I guess he is trying to sweat the fat out. While I'm not sure that his escapades in sweatyville have actually caused him to lose any significant amount of weight, one thing they definitely have accomplished is to grossify everything in his path, (I don't think grossify is a word, but if it were, it would refer to people who drench gym equipment machines with their sweaty ooze).

As I approached the bench to do some presses, I noticed him nearby, doing his usual dripping to the oldies routine, and it made me hypersensitive to possibility that his sweat have made its way onto the bench. I went to the paper towel dispenser, grabbed the disinfectant, and gave the bench a good scrubbing. Feeling better about what I was about to lie on, and doing my best to not look at, (or think about) Dr. Drippy, I proceeded to do my workout.

Then, as I sat on the bench catching my breath, a DIFFERENT sweaty guy approached me. Somehow, this stranger managed to surpass green sweaty guy in wetness. This man, in his white t-shirt and shorts, looked as though he had just gone swimming in his clothing.

"Can I jump in and do a set?" he asked.

"No. Of course not. You're disgustingly sweaty. Take a shower or two, and then we'll talk" is what I said. Or rather, what I later wished I had said as I watched him proceed to befoul the bench with his sweat-sodden clothes.

I think I could deal with her sweat though.

After finishing, he got up and looked down at the puddle he had left on the bench. I guess he realized what a mess he'd made, but rather than getting paper towels to clean up the mess like a normal person would, he put his hand in his shirt and commenced "mopping" up his mess. However, since his shirt was clearly already saturated, he only managed to push the sweat around into an even distributed layer on the bench, and then looks at me with a smile that says, "Ok, there you go!" I decided at that point that I was done with that piece of equipment, definitely for the day, and maybe forever.

Look people, everyone sweats. Some people sweat a little, some sweat a lot. And whatever type of sweater you are, (dry, wet or cashmere), that's fine, you can't choose the amount you ooze. However, you CAN choose to bring a towel. Clean up after yourselves, and make the world a better place. Or if nothing else, a less gross one.

Fake Chicken Finger Lickin' Good

Yesterday afternoon, I had the pleasure of attending a coworker's party. As I hadn't eaten anything all day, my trip there was spent hoping that there would be something tasty to eat at the party. Since it started at 5 pm, and both my coworker Renee and her husband are vegetarians, I figured there had to be SOMETHING there I could eat. Luckily for me, I was right: there was a large spread of food and several bottles of wine in her kitchen, and I wasted no time making my way toward the grub. Filling my plate with a generous helping of everything I saw, I made sure that I had enough to satiate my appetite, and then commenced the obligatory rounds of mingling, making small talk and stuffing my face.

Eventually, my friend Rashi arrived to the party and we ended up talking in the kitchen. I pointed her to the food and, knowing she is also a vegetarian, said, "You should try the fake chicken fingers. They are pretty tasty." As she started reaching for them, Renee saw her and, sensing impending vegetarian disaster, exclaimed "Don't eat those! Those are real meat. "

Ooops.

I had spent the last half hour shovelling them into my mouth, marveling at how they had managed to create a fake chicken fingers that tasted almost as good as the real thing. Turns out they WERE the real thing, (but for some reason, didn't quite taste like it). Also, the mini quiches with "fake" bacon that I had been eating were chock full of real bacon. Fortunately, the spinach balls didn't have real testicles in them, because I think I would have been too much for me to stomach.

Feeling slightly silly, I made my way downstairs into Renee's basement, where I found an unoccupied couch and a TV conveniently tuned to the game. I sat there for a bit and, still hungry, looked around for something else to eat. I noticed her coffee table contained a small black truck-shaped dish with the back filled with cashews. Confident that these cashews were not hiding a meaty surprise, I began to dine on the nuts.

Eventually, I realized I had eaten almost all the nuts in the truck shaped dish, and it was about then that a couple and their 4 year old twins made their way into the room. When one of the twins grabbed the "truck shaped dish" and started playing with it, it dawned on me that what I had been eating out of was not a dish at all, but this little kid's toy. I then watched in horror as he started sticking his fingers in all the cashews, put some in his mouth, then pulled some out of his mouth and putting them back in his truck - basically doing terrible things that shouldn't be done to poor innocent nuts. I imagine that the nuts I had eaten earlier experienced something very similar, (and helps explain why the nuts I had eaten tasted faintly like little children). Needless to say, my stomach was not very happy with me.

I think in the future, I can avoid these situations if I stuff my pockets full of lettuce, tofu and grass, and only eat my home-brought vegetarian feed at parties. It'll be really cool. Maybe if you're lucky, I'll share with you.

The Meat of the Matter (100%)

Jan 1, 2006 marked the one year anniversary of my switch to vegetarianism, or as many of my friends and family insist, the “dark side”. Throughout the year, as I dined with people for the first time since the big switch, I found myself consistently asked, “Wait, you’re a vegetarian?!” Their expression of shock and amazement stemmed from two sources:

• They knew me when I was younger: the Ryan that hated vegetables and only ate meat and dairy products.
• They just met me, and assumed that my rough exterior and overpowering masculinity meant I was your typical steak eater.

In either case, the inevitable follow-up question was, “Why?” However, there is no one reason why I gave up my carnivorous ways. Rather, there are several reasons that have persuaded me to walk the meatless road this past year. I have decided to list them here, not in any attempts to convert anyone who may happen upon this blog entry, but as a way to avoid having to repeat my reasoning over and over. Now, when someone asks me why I don’t eat meat, I can say, “Check my blog” and they will smile politely and say, “Ok” even though they don’t really care and have no intention of searching for this entry. Then, we can switch the dinner conversation to less controversial topics, like religion, abortion, the death penalty etc.

To make this post easier to digest, I have broken it up into several pieces:

• The Merits of Meat Munching
• The Virtues of Vegetarianism
• The Concentric Circles of Ryan
• But Killing Animals Ain’t All Bad

Now you know, and knowledge is power! And don't you look hot when you're powerful. I could just eat you up, (if only you weren't made of meat).

The Virtues of Vegetarianism

So what crazy reasons could I have for abandoning that tasty treat that is meat? Surely, my rationale must be cockamamie, you are probably thinking. As a brief sidebar, did you know that the letters in “cockamamie” can also spell “Me? I am a cock!” Yeah, I didn’t know that either until I typed it, but boy, I’m glad I did.

In any event, here are my crazy reasons:

Animals experience pain and suffering – No shocker here. I’m sure you saw that one coming from a million miles away, so I won’t dwell on it too long. Basically, animals have feelings, emotions, and can experience pain. While pain and suffering in this world are often inevitable and won’t ever be completely eradicated, I can still do my best to not contribute to it if I can help it.

Feed the hungry.

Vegetarianism helps combat world hunger – Using grains to feed people rather than animals is much more efficient, and could feed many more people, than using them to feed animals and then eating those animals. Imagine a world where no one has to go hungry, and everyone is miserable because their veggie burgers just aren’t as tasty as beef burgers. Actually, ignore the second clause in that sentence.

The environment: Here are some facts about vegetarianism and the environment: http://www.britishmeat.com/49.htm but at a high level, being vegetarian results in fewer fossil fuels used, less water consumed, and less forest destroyed, (e.g. rainforests are often slashed and burned in order to make room for cattle pastures in Brazil). Also, farm animals breathe out huge amounts of carbon dioxide and release methane gas in their flatulence, (that’s the polite word for “fart”, for those unfamiliar with the term) which has negative effects as well. And, it smells. Do you like things that smell? Well, I don’t.

Hypocritical views toward other cultures: Growing up, I remember being shocked to find out that some cultures ate animals which I considered to be cute, cuddly, and therefore, inedible. How could some Asian cultures consume cats and dogs, I wondered? What were they thinking?

Cute...	But also cute

Well, as I became older, and debatably wiser, I realized that I too was eating things which other cultures might find shocking or revolting. To many Jews and Muslims, pork on my fork was a major no-no, and to many Hindus, a cow as my chow made me a sari excuse for a human being in their eyes. It became clearer to me that I was being hypocritical for denouncing the ingestion of some animals while embracing the consumption of others. In order to avoid this hypocrisy, it became apparent that my regard for eating meat should be as least somewhat species independent. If eating dogs is wrong, than eating pigs and cows is probably not ethically permissible either, (however, if you are cool with eating dogs and cats, then go ahead and enjoy your beef and pork, hypocrisy free. Congrats, you’ve earned it!)

Would anyone be upset if Tom Cruise was actually eaten by aliens?

The Golden Rule: When I was a youngster, I often would rationalize my meat eating ways with the fact that I was a member of a species at the top of the food chain, and it was just natural for me to eat meat. After all, the animals I was eating were clearly less intelligent than I was, and it was their sorry fate to become part of my diet. However, what if the dinner tables were turned? What if humans were suddenly lower order creatures? How would I feel? I’m pretty sure I would not like it. The golden rule, or the ethic of reciprocity, states: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

Let’s imagine that aliens suddenly came to Earth, War of the Worlds style, (or pick your favorite alien sci-fi movie). In addition, let’s say they are more developed and smarter than we are, and further still, they have a taste for humans. We might plead for our lives, claiming that we have families and can feel joy and pain and don’t want to die. But they can say, “Hey, I feel for you Man, but we are Blarblar aliens, who are higher up in the food chain and have been eating creatures like you, or even smarter than you, for millions of years on thousands of planets”. Sure, if this did happen, I’d probably be eaten too, just like all the carnivorous humans. However, you’ll notice my smug smile as I’m being eaten alive; after all, I won’t be a hypocrite for saying what they are doing is wrong. It’s one thing to be dead, but to be a dead hypocrite? No way, Jose, (or Josephina, if you have mammary glands).

So there are some of the detriments to ingesting the traditional omnivorous diet. For the past year, these reasons were enough to tip the scales in favor of me not eating animals. I can’t deny that I don’t miss the taste of meat. However, while my meals aren’t always as satisfying, doing what I view as more ethical always is. And right now, that’s fine by me.

The Merits of Meat Munching

While becoming a vegetarian might have been an obvious and easy choice for some, it was not for me. Giving up meat has been very difficult, and while my willpower has kept me in the green thus far, it has been a trying experience. Why? Well, because meat has a lot going for it. After all, humans evolved as omnivorous creatures. It is in our very nature to eat animals. A diet that includes meat is:

I looked and felt like this when I ate meat

Tasty: I’m not going to lie. Meat is delicious. I constantly have cravings for it, and I even dream about it, (this is not a joke, I’ve literally had several dreams where I’m eating steak).

Look how healthy I was when I ate meat!

Healthy: A balanced diet consisting of the recommended servings of meat with fruits, vegetables, grains and dairy provide the nutrition that people need to maintain healthy bodies and minds. While vegetarians can get the nutrients found in meat from non-meat products, this often requires the consumption of multiple servings of other items to extract the benefits found in just one serving of meat.

Convenient: Meat’s ubiquity in American cuisine makes it easy to obtain and consume. Eating meat allows for many more choices in meals than vegetarianism permits, requiring less time and energy of the consumer to find a tasty and healthy meal.

Normal: In the US, most Americans eat meat and disagree somewhat or completely with vegetarians. Being a vegetarian surrounded by carnivores can make for awkward dining experiences. Eating meat avoids such situations. It is the norm. It’s what the cool kids are up to. Everybody’s doing it. And what they’re doing is mmm mmm delicious.

Being a vegetarian makes you stand out like fat kids at bikini parties

These are the reasons that giving up meat was so difficult for me. Truth be told, the flavor factor is the only really strong reason for me not to give up meat. If only celery tasted like a corned beef sandwich, carrots tasted like bacon, etc., I think being a vegetarian would be so much easier. But they don’t. They taste like crunchy water and uh… carrots. And that can’t compete with the flavor of meat. In any event, it’s clear that there are many strong reasons for eating meat. So why stop? Ah, but that’s the subject of a different post, for a different day. Until then, my friend, until then….

Concentric Circles of Ryan

In my eyes, animals and people are not equal. For this reason, I created the Concentric Circles of Ryan, which helps guide me in deciding who to eat. The CCR works as follows: as you move from larger circles inward to smaller circles, the membership within that band encompasses groups for which I care more and more. The likelihood that I will eat what is in a particular region increases as you move from the center outward. I have included an example for you viewing enjoyment.

Note: Circles are not drawn to scale

Perhaps you are wondering, why the need for this silly diagram? As a vegetarian, my diet should be composed of everything in the green, and nothing else. Simple, right? Wrong my friend. My requirement is to stay in the green region only for as long as I can maintain my own health and well being. Given that I live in a society where I can easily obtain non-meat food that adequately supplements my diet with the nutrition that I am missing due do my avoidance of consuming meat, this should be doable. However, if for some reason I need to eat meat to stay healthy, I will slowly move inward as needed. For example, if I’m stranded on a deserted isle with no edible plants, you can bet your sweet fanny that I’m throwing rocks and sticks into the water trying to catch me some fish. If that is not an option, but there happens to be a pig nearby, sorry lil’ porker, but you’ve got to get in my belly. And yes, if the only edible foodstuff is people, I would even eat that, (if you’ve ever seen the 1993 movie “Alive”, you know what people will do and eat in order to survive). However, while I could kill an animal in desperate times, I could never purposely kill a person for food, (they’d have to have died from a polar bear attack, or from a yeti encounter or from some other cause before I’d consider consumin’ human). Are you thoroughly disgusted yet? Good.

The point of all of this is to illustrate the fact that certain people and animals are more important to me that others. While ideally I wouldn’t want to eat any of them, I can imagine situations where such actions would be warranted. Hopefully, I’ll never find myself in those situations. And more importantly for you, hopefully you won’t find yourself in those situations WITH me. Because I just might eat you.

Killing Animals Ain't All Bad

Although I’m against eating animals if I can help it, I certainly am not one of those animal rights extremists who insist that animals should not be killed for any reason, because I feel that ARE several legitimate reasons for taking the lives of our furry friends. Here are a few:

• Animal testing: I’m sure no one is that shocked that I am for animal testing, as long as it is done for legitimate reasons, meaning those that help save human lives, (e.g. cancer research etc.) I would still want the testing to be as humane as possible and only in situations where there is no alternative. But hey, if we got to inject Curious George with a few diseases in order to possibly save the Man in the Yellow Hat, well, then it has to be done.
  
  However, I am NOT for animal testing by companies like cosmetics manufactures; sure, I like it when women pretty themselves up with chemicals, but I don’t think its worth testing on all those adorable woodland creatures. Women without makeup can still be very cute, but dead bunnies never are.

• Roadkill: If an animal runs in front of my car and I can avoid it, I might swerve a bit this way or that. But I will not swerve off the road and risk my life, the lives of my passengers, or the lives of the school children who run alongside my car, (they like to cheer me on. I’m not sure why). If Spanky the Stanky Skunk decides to throw himself in front of my vehicle and there is no way to avoid him without potentially crashing; well, sorry Spanky, but you, my car tire and the pavement are about to get a lot more intimate.

• Deer hunting: Deer no longer have any natural predators in many habitats. I heard some statistic that more deer are killed by cars in a year than the TOTAL POPULATION of deer in 1900. That’s ridiculous. And it’s dangerous for people. Being from Pennsylvania, I know what kind of threat they pose to drivers. If there is no way to spay or neuter them, and no way to reintroduce predators back into unchecked, massive deer populations (most people reject the idea of bringing in outside bears, wolves or mountain lions into their communities), than I support deer hunting as a way to keep the population under control. So unless we can teach those young bucks how to use deer durex when their chasing after all that white-tail, or convince pooh bear to snack on some bambi, I wouldn’t be opposed to managing the population through hunting.

• Killing high risk animals: Sometimes animals pose risks in the forms of disease. If we need to kills flocks of birds or herds of cows to potentially prevent Asian bird flue or Mad Cow Disease, then it must be done.
  
  Along similar lines, populations of mice, rats, mosquitoes etc., who often harbor a dangerous cocktail of microscopic troublemakers, should not be spending time in my home. Although it pained me to do so, I took out over 50 mice with humane traps in my apartment in Philadelphia. Sewer mice are bad for my health, and as a result, I became bad for their health, (since I invested in some traps).
  
  Finally, animals with a history of violence often need to be put down. If little Fluffy seriously injures or kills a child, then Fluffy has got to go. Go where? To doggy heaven of course. Didn’t you ever see that movie, all dogs go to heaven? They’ve got some special arrangement with the higher powers. Don’t ask me how they worked it out. I suspect it’s their strong labor union.

Anyways, there are probably other instances in which I would condone the killing of animals, but I don’t feel like dragging this on any longer than I already have. Once again, the point is this: I am for saving animals when I can, but if humans lives can be saved or significantly bettered, then I’m not against making a few sacrifices. To recap: I’ll sacrifice animals for the betterment of mankind; I’ll sacrifice tasty meat for the sake of animals; and I’ll sacrifice little children for the appeasement of the devil.

Oops, my secret is out! Don’t tell my grandmother. She’ll be so disappointed.