Killing Animals Ain't All Bad

Although I’m against eating animals if I can help it, I certainly am not one of those animal rights extremists who insist that animals should not be killed for any reason, because I feel that ARE several legitimate reasons for taking the lives of our furry friends. Here are a few:

• Animal testing: I’m sure no one is that shocked that I am for animal testing, as long as it is done for legitimate reasons, meaning those that help save human lives, (e.g. cancer research etc.) I would still want the testing to be as humane as possible and only in situations where there is no alternative. But hey, if we got to inject Curious George with a few diseases in order to possibly save the Man in the Yellow Hat, well, then it has to be done.
  
  However, I am NOT for animal testing by companies like cosmetics manufactures; sure, I like it when women pretty themselves up with chemicals, but I don’t think its worth testing on all those adorable woodland creatures. Women without makeup can still be very cute, but dead bunnies never are.

• Roadkill: If an animal runs in front of my car and I can avoid it, I might swerve a bit this way or that. But I will not swerve off the road and risk my life, the lives of my passengers, or the lives of the school children who run alongside my car, (they like to cheer me on. I’m not sure why). If Spanky the Stanky Skunk decides to throw himself in front of my vehicle and there is no way to avoid him without potentially crashing; well, sorry Spanky, but you, my car tire and the pavement are about to get a lot more intimate.

• Deer hunting: Deer no longer have any natural predators in many habitats. I heard some statistic that more deer are killed by cars in a year than the TOTAL POPULATION of deer in 1900. That’s ridiculous. And it’s dangerous for people. Being from Pennsylvania, I know what kind of threat they pose to drivers. If there is no way to spay or neuter them, and no way to reintroduce predators back into unchecked, massive deer populations (most people reject the idea of bringing in outside bears, wolves or mountain lions into their communities), than I support deer hunting as a way to keep the population under control. So unless we can teach those young bucks how to use deer durex when their chasing after all that white-tail, or convince pooh bear to snack on some bambi, I wouldn’t be opposed to managing the population through hunting.

• Killing high risk animals: Sometimes animals pose risks in the forms of disease. If we need to kills flocks of birds or herds of cows to potentially prevent Asian bird flue or Mad Cow Disease, then it must be done.
  
  Along similar lines, populations of mice, rats, mosquitoes etc., who often harbor a dangerous cocktail of microscopic troublemakers, should not be spending time in my home. Although it pained me to do so, I took out over 50 mice with humane traps in my apartment in Philadelphia. Sewer mice are bad for my health, and as a result, I became bad for their health, (since I invested in some traps).
  
  Finally, animals with a history of violence often need to be put down. If little Fluffy seriously injures or kills a child, then Fluffy has got to go. Go where? To doggy heaven of course. Didn’t you ever see that movie, all dogs go to heaven? They’ve got some special arrangement with the higher powers. Don’t ask me how they worked it out. I suspect it’s their strong labor union.

Anyways, there are probably other instances in which I would condone the killing of animals, but I don’t feel like dragging this on any longer than I already have. Once again, the point is this: I am for saving animals when I can, but if humans lives can be saved or significantly bettered, then I’m not against making a few sacrifices. To recap: I’ll sacrifice animals for the betterment of mankind; I’ll sacrifice tasty meat for the sake of animals; and I’ll sacrifice little children for the appeasement of the devil.

Oops, my secret is out! Don’t tell my grandmother. She’ll be so disappointed.