How Much Is That Doggy, In the New Year? (Woof Woof)

In order to celebrate the Chinese New Year, I decided that I would order some Chinese takeout. I got the idea from seeing non-Chinese people buying non-Chinese food on Jan 1st, (a non-Chinese New Year), and it seemed like a good idea.

Anyway, as I was waiting in the restaurant for them to bring out my take-out, I started reading over the placemats that list the 12 signs of the Zodiac. Seeing as they told me 15 minutes but it took 45, I had plenty of time to study all 12. As it is the Year of the Dog, I feel like it is only appropriate to bitch about how silly all this is. Just because you and I were born in the same year does not automatically make you and I more alike than me and some other person who was born in a prior year. The same goes for horoscopes. I was born in the year of the Dog, and I am an Aries. And this means … a whole lot of nothing. Some Mongolian yak herder who happened to be born in April of 1958 probably shares fewer personality traits with me than I share with my brother, who is a Taurus Rat. Call it a hunch, but I feel pretty good about that assertion. But if you can round up a yak herder who proves me wrong, I will happily admit that I was incorrect. But then I will sadly admit that you wasted a ridiculous amount of time and energy proving me wrong. You really need rethink your priorities, my friend.

I really hope I haven’t destroyed anyone’s views on how the world works, but if I did, well, it had to be done. Unless of course you are part of the communist regime in China, and then to you I say, I’m sorry for insulting your Zodiac signs. I think they are great. Please don’t send out your super secret communist killers to harm me or my family. Thanks for your understanding.