A Meal That's Fit For a (Burger) King

In terms of size, my kitchen is great. Plenty of room to maneuver, cook, and clean, with ample cabinet space and a decent size kitchen table. In terms of appliances, my kitchen is also probably better than that of the average bachelor pad; I have a new microwave, oven, range, and refrigerator, as well as a toaster and blender that still work very well. In terms of dishware and utensils, my kitchen certainly has room to improve. Basically, immediately prior to moving, I raided Wal-Mart and bought a cheap set of plates, glasses and utensils. As recent visitors have noted, the sharpest knife I own is a glorified butter-knife, (which also serves as a wine bottle opener, a back-scratcher, and protection from burglars).

However, upon my recent return from the latest trip, I took a look in my underutilized fridge and noticed that, without question, my food selection leaves the most to be desired. Which is a nice way of saying my food selection sucks (and by extension, so do I). Basically, over the last four months, I have been traveling fairly extensively for both business and pleasure, so that I decided I wouldn’t buy any perishable food until I knew I would be back in my apartment for longer than a few days at a time. Well, that time is now. Let’s assess the situation together:

11 bottles of Miller Light

19 cans of Natural Ice, expired in March (brought by others, drank by others, untouched by me)

1 empty Brita water pitcher

1 can of Dr. Extreme, (which is like Dr. Pepper, only more extreme. I think there might be drugs in it.)

1 loaf of bread: Sell by date of May 11, 2005

1 mega jar of Skippy peanut butter, (I choose to ignore those choosy moms, who choose Jif)

1 jar of strawberry jelly

1 carton of eggs, with an expiration date of May 20, 2005

2.5 sticks of butter

11 slices of American cheese, (yellow now, but might have started off as the white variety)

1 jar of Kraft parmesan cheese, (which smells, but I think that’s just the parmesan doing its thing)

1 bottle of Ken’s Raspberry Walnut Vinaigrette salad dressing

1 bottle of Ken’s Bleu Cheese salad dressing, (who is this Ken, and why does he have a monopoly on the dressings of my fridge?!)

1 bottle of Gulden’s spicy brown mustard

1 bottle of Texas Pete’s hot sauce

1 jar of that crazy chili garlic sauce with the rooster on it, (not sure the brand)

And in the freezer:

1 ice cube tray

Another ice cube tray

That’s it. That’s all there is. The only thing sadder than the contents of my fridge is my hungry stomach. Basically, I’m trying to decide between a moldy peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and a rotten cheese omelet for dinner. Kinda leaning toward the omelet, because I have so many sauces to dip it in. Yum.

Ok, I’m kidding. When it comes to food, I’d rather throw out then throw up. So first, I will do some necessary purging of my fridge, and then, I will commence with the long overdue grocery shopping. And please Mom, don’t blame yourself; you did the best you could trying to bring me up right and teaching me the value of a fully stocked kitchen. But years of television, video games and narcotics have turned me into a bad apple, with a fridge full of bad food. Damn you, MTV, Nintendo and crack cocaine. Damn you for what you’ve done to me!