Heil, Lotion!

Lotion	Nazis

So for the past few weeks, I have been traveling to Ohio for a few days a week to work with a company that specializes in bath and body products. They have perfected the art of selling very expensive lotions and beauty products that women can't seem to live without. I admire their ability to convince people that they need these lotions, scrubs and candles, and then charge them an arm and a leg for it, (which are both silky and smooth....thank you cucumber melon body scrub!).

So week in and week out, I have been venturing to their headquarters, which looks very professional, but reeks of lotion and candles. They are constantly rubbing on lotions and lighting candles, which at first smell OK, but after a while the odors blend together into some horrible stench that makes you want to throw blunt objects at random employees. Vanilla Bean mixed with Cinnamon mixed with Floral Essence suddenly makes you think there are wet dogs running around the complex. Cherry Blossom candles and Honey Extract lotion had me thinking a homeless person died under my desk. And then there are these testers, who walk around in little lab coats. I see them only once in a while, but I swear this one old man keeps giving me this very strange look as he holds a bottle of lotion in his hand.

The look says, "I'll get you. With my lotion."

I'm still waiting for the day when he'll sneak up behind me and squirt some on my neck. That will be a sad event, for on that day, I will no longer be a man, but a emasculated boy who has been befowled by random acts of lotion.

But anyways, I've quietly put up with the smells and the creepy lotion testers these past few weeks, and done my job loyally. But today, I'm pissed. I cannot access gmail. I cannot use IM. I cannot check several websites. It seems that this company has decided that employees should no longer be able to use these technologies, which I consider to be essential to my daily routine. I equate such actions with the burning of books by the Nazis. That's right, I said it. This company is comprised of a bunch of Nazis...lotion Nazis. Strong words, you say? Perhaps. But hey, fill a guy up with stinky chemicals all day and then take away his ability to communicate via the computer, and he's liable to say some pretty crazy things.