Jerry's Final Thoughts

I haven’t been in a synagogue in years, but this weekend that would change as my cousin Jared had his Bar Mitzvah. This morning, I had to get up early, put on a suit, and go to a three hour marathon of sitting and standing and singing and listening and napping, (sorry family, I was tired).

Certain parts of the ceremony were very nice: I enjoyed the speeches, and parts involving family and tradition. My cousin did a great job, as did everyone else involved in the ceremony. However, I think the combination of being up early in the morning coupled with the fact that I understand little to nothing of what is going on made my mind wander.

The rabbi reminded me of Jerry Springer, and so I found that, what started off as an innocent celebration of a Jewish boy’s entrance into manhood transformed into a white trash frenzy. Allegations of cheating were flying, as were shoes and chairs and other things that members in the congregation were throwing. My aunt was grabbing another woman’s hairweave, while my great aunt was beating an old Jewish guy with her purse. Then my great grandmother got up in the Rabbi’s face and accused him of being the father of her baby. I started laughing at this ridiculous thought, which brought my Jerry Springer daydream to a close. Unfortunately, I had started laughing during a time which the real rabbi was talking about Hurricane Katrina, and several people sitting in close proximity were eyeing me with disgust. Apparently, chuckling during a discussion of a national tragedy is frowned upon, but don’t blame me, blame that damned Jerry Springer!

At the conclusion of the ceremony, everyone made their way to a country club where there was lots of drinking and dancing and eating and other festivities. I stuffed myself with appetizers and long island iced teas, and was good for the day. On a related note: I later woke up naked in a retirement community’s swimming pool having no idea how I got there. I blame the fact that I have a low tolerance for kosher foods, and really ingested more than I could handle.