Have you Lost your mind?

Yesterday, I found out that my flight back to DC was overbooked. Fortunately for me, I had a guaranteed seat, but there were a few people who were not so lucky. The US Airways gate attendants were paging all DC passengers to see if anyone would forfeit their seats to these unlucky travelers. One look into the pleading eyes of the poor woman by the ticket counter told me what needed to be done: I must relinquish my seat to her so that she can return home in time to feed her starving babies.

Well, MAYBE that was my reason for giving up my seat. But also, the promise of a free round trip ticket to any volunteer was also heavily factored into my decision. The idea of helping someone and getting a free ticket definitely outweighed the fact that I would get home 4 hours later. So, instead of going to DC, I was on the next flight to Philly, and from there down to DC.

"The captain has turned on the fasten seabelt sign. We may be experiencing some slight turbulence...

So you may be asking yourself, “What did Ryan do during all this extra travel time”? If you weren’t asking yourself that, take a moment, and pose that question to yourself. The answer? I started watch the show “Lost”, the hit drama on ABC about survivors of a plane crash on some creepy island. I’ve never seen the show before, but a coworker recently sent me the first season, and luckily for me, they were on my laptop, ready to be watched at my leisure. Well, having all this extra plane time, I decided to watch them on the plane. Of course, I didn’t really think it through and take into consideration that my aisle seat on both flights made my laptop visible to several people in the surrounding rows. Normally, this would not be a problem, except that in the first few episodes, it turns out that there are pretty graphic scenes of airplanes getting ripped apart, exploding, killing people etc. As the airplane I’m riding in hits turbulence and starts rocking up and down, people on the airplane in the show are being battered as their plane is destroyed, and people on MY plane are staring at me like I’m crazy. Oh well, my entertainment supercedes their desire to have a stress free plane ride. I'm selfish like that.

To recap, being a Bachelor, (and having no Sons and Daughters) made it easy to give up my ticket to the Desperate Housewife, and, while my decision to watch Lost was probably Less than Perfect, in my View, The Evidence will show that I made the right decision. Or at least, I have Hope and Faith that this is the case.

ABC you next week!

You're Outta Line!

Everybody has had the following experience: you step into one of those “ten items or less” check out lines, and then the person in front of you decides to slap down 35 things, 16 coupons, and a plastic baggy full of pennies. This is followed by the urge to pick up a can of soup and hurl it at the offender’s head, (this won’t do any damage due to the target’s thick skull, but it will make the thrower feel slightly better).

Well, the other day, I ventured into such a line and found myself standing behind some woman with 30+ items in her cart. Quickly shifting my eyes from her to the giant illuminated “10 items or less” sign above, I was hoping she would get my subtle way of indicating to her that she had entered the wrong line. She didn’t get the hint. Oh well, I figured either she didn’t see the sign, or saw it and didn’t understand it, (illiteracy can lead to these checkout line mix-ups).

However, just as I was ready to give her the benefit of the doubt, she started placing ten items at a time on the checkout counter, and separated each group by one of those little red dividers. After creating three or four such groups, she then proceeded to tell the clerk that each group was for someone else, (“this one is for me”, “this one is for my husband”, “this one is for my grandkids”). So clearly, she read the sign, and interpreted it as, “Ten items or less, for each person you know”.

I’ve never seen these “10 items or less” line policies actually enforced. I am going to write my congressman and see if we can make it a national law. Who’s with me!?

Say what?!

There are things you say at work, and then there are things you don’t say at work. Knowing the difference can be crucial to maintaining a positive image at your current place of employment, especially if you like to utter racial slurs and drop four letter words in the privacy of your own home, but hold down a job like “kindergarten teacher” where such remarks would probably be frowned upon.

Sure, being a consultant does not require the same level of verbal discipline that one would expect from a teacher, doctor, or nun, but still, consultants need to be more conservative in their choice of words than say, your average dock worker. Below are examples of what I have noticed in my one year tenure at my job. Do you think these are “work appropriate”?

1. Several of us are having dinner, and one of my colleagues, after being mocked by one of his peers, (another 20-something) said, “Why are you making fun of me? Make fun of him” [pointing to another employee at my company]. “He’s a walking joke.” Of course, this would have been fine, had he been pointing to another one of his peers. Except, he was pointing at a vice president who happened to be dining with us. Pointing at your superior and telling him to his face he’s a “walking joke”? Probably not work appropriate…

2. Another coworker, talking to the president of the company, mentioned how he was working on a project, and spent the entire night diligently pushing forward in his analysis. He then said that he expended so much energy that he nearly “busted a nut”. Now, when he said “busted a nut”, I’m guessing he meant “worked really hard to the point of injuring himself”. However, I’m pretty most people would agree that this can be interpreted very differently, and should probably not be said in the presence of the president of the company. Surely not work appropriate…

3. Yet another friend at my work was playing his music during regular business hours, which actually is generally accepted at my job. However, during one visit to his work area by a vice president, he left his music playing, (rather than turning it down or off, which I find is generally the best practice to employ). At the time, the song was “Horny” by T Mousse. I happen to like this song, but I don’t think I would want it playing while I talk to my superiors. The chorus goes:

I'm horny, horny, horny, horny
So horny, I'm horny, horny, horny
I'm horny, horny, horny, horny
So horny, I'm horny, horny, horny tonight
I'm horny, horny, horny, horny
So horny, I'm horny, horny, horny
I'm horny, horny, horny, horny
So horny, I'm horny, horny, horny tonight

Not very work appropriate, unless you work at a brothel or are an administrative assistant. But hey, seeing how he didn’t get fired, maybe it wasn’t such a big deal. In fact, my friend and the VP have been spending a lot more time together behind closed doors….

KIDDING!

But seriously folks, I need to stop, because this blog entry isn’t very work appropriate…

Good, Clean Fun with SOAP

Wait, these aren't peanuts!

Have you heard about "Snakes on a Plane?" No? Well, if you've been living under a rock, (like snakes that DON'T hang out on planes), let me clue you in:

This summer, they will release a movie about snakes on a plane, (hence the title).

This is perhaps the most ridiculous movie plot of all time, and because of this, the movie has been garnering a cult following that I'm sure this will translate into a box office bonanza, (or at least, larger than anticipated revenues).

Snakes On A Blog documents all developments about this movie, with the end goal being to send the blogger to the movie premiere, (his dream, according to MSNBC, will become reality as New Line Cinema caught wind of his "reporting" and will grant him his wish).

In order to give a more accurate depiction of the premise of the movie, here is the movie trailer, transcribed:

* New Line logo
* Setting up the plot
*People boarding a plane
*Flight attendant says to Sam, "Welcome aboard Agent Flynn"
*FBI taking over first class, young guy saying he's a witness for the FBI.
*Cuts back to Samuel L. Jackson talking to the young guy in a dark room - "Those
people know who you are. If you testify it'll put him in jail for life"
*Rest of passengers boarding plane typical group honeymooners, mom/kids,
businessmen, etc.
All of this first half is intercut with the text:
"6 Miles above the ocean...
2 miles from land...
a trap has been set...
and
there is no way out"

Countdown clock in baggage compartment. Reaches zero and
a box blows open. Cat meows and hisses.
Snakes silently spreading throughout
the plane into purses, under seats, cockpit, etc.
Then the money shots begin:
snakes, snakes, and more snakes striking at ankles, jumping at
pilot, slithering up the aisles chasing passengers"
Sam taking charge and
barking orders
Sam on the phone to someone: "You know all those security
scenarios we ran? Well I'm smack in the middle of one."
More snake shots
Explosions, plane door blowing out, cabin losing pressure, beverage
carts crashing up the aisle
Sam: "Enough is enough! I've had it with these snakes!"
Second half intercut with text:

"This summer..."
experience..."
the height..."
of fear"

Ground Control: "Somebody wanna tell me what's going on up there?"

Title card:
Snakes on a Plane

The best part of this movie is that I don't think their goal is to be silly. But honestly, how could anyone involved in this movie take it seriously?


"This summer..."
experience..."
the height..."
of stupidity"

Snakes on a plane.

Counting Down The Hours

In a couple of hours, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06. I'm pretty sure that this moment will signify the start of something crazy, (e.g. monkeys flying out of people's butts, giant tornadoes, and Barbara Streisand zombies). Stay tuned...

Grey Goose

Conversation at work:

Vice President: ... whoah, Ryan, you are getting grey hair.
Ryan: Yeah, i'm going gray.
VP: Wow, that's a shame.
Ryan: Well, it's not like I'm not going bald. At least I'll have hair to dye (if I want to go that route).

Now, when I said this, I meant this in a completely innocent way, referring only to myself in a "well, let's look at the bright side" sort of manner. However, when my boss made a weird face and walked away, I realized that this could be taken as a malicious retort, as in "Well, I might be going grey, but at least I'M not going bald LIKE YOU". Sure, I didn't say "LIKE YOU", but the way he walked away made me think that that is how he took it. From now on, I'll just smile and nod when others talk to me, because honestly, I don't like the taste of my foot.