I Want Candy

Happy Halloween!

This past weekend, I realized something: For children, Halloween entails dressing up in costumes and trying to get candy. For adults, Halloween entails dressing up in costumes and trying to get laid.

On Saturday night, I lost count of how many scantily clad women I saw, each with a costume that was more revealing than the next. Many of these women probably wouldn't dream of showing so much skin on a regular Saturday night, but on Halloween weekend, they let it all hang out. It's as if it would be a fashion faux pas if the exposed skin to costume ratio was anything less than 1:1. The princesses and cheerleaders that use to comprise the fantasies of little girls have been replaced by the French maids and naughty nurses that comprise the fantasies of men. Don't get me wrong: this is not a plea to return to a simpler time; in fact, quite the opposite: times have changed for the better.

For example, I was riding on the subway when this hot woman in a Michael Jackson costume starting strutting around in her tight leather pants. I was enjoying her moves until she whipped out a cabbage patch doll and start doing terrible things to him, causing her performance to go from sexy to funny in 3 seconds flat. She wins points for entertaining me on two levels. Later, at a Halloween party, there was one girl dressed up as "Sex on the Beach", which basically meant she wore beach clothes, taped condoms to herself, and made out with lots of random guys. I actually overheard her say to some guy with whom she had just finished tongue wresting: "No, I can't go home with you, I don't even know you." She then proceeded to find some other guy who was willing to have his mouth explored. I felt bad for the original guy: he totally got suckered in by the false advertising.

Point is: Halloween has come to mean sweets for children, and sweet lovin' for adults. Parents take note: although the difference is subtle, do not mix this up, or you will end up bored for an evening, and your child will end up disturbed for a lifetime. Don't say I didn't warn you…