We Need To Talk...

Ah, blog. You poor, neglected thing. It has been about one year now since I created you, and it's been real swell. We've had a good run, you and I, but I think it's time to move on. No, it's not you, it's me. I've been too busy to continue this, and I don't want to do a half assed job on you. It's full assed or nothing, as far as I'm concerned. You deserve better. But don't worry; there are plenty of bloggers in the sea. So buck up, blog. You'll meet someone else; someone who will blog the hell out of you.

Well, I guess this is it. Take care blog. All the best!

-ryan

Too Much Gin and Jews

Mel loves women almost as much as drinking

Mel Gibson goes to a party. He has a few drinks. He then decides to get behind the wheel and drive home. Not surprisingly , alcohol impaired Mr. Gibson's ability to drive, and his swerving caught the attention of a police officer.

Mel wondering if she's Jewish

According to CNN:

During his arrest, Gibson asked the arresting deputy whether he was a Jew and said, "F---ing Jews. The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world," according to a sheriff's report obtained by the entertainment Web site TMZ.com.

Now, Mel Gibson is getting a lot of flack for his behavior. Poor Mel. What did he do that was so bad? I mean sure, he got behind the wheel of a car after drinking and endangered innocent lives, but hey, if the president can do it, why can't one of those crazy Hollywood actors? Furthermore, I know he blamed the Jews for all the wars in the world. But honestly, after a good night of drinking, it's very easy to blame Jews for things. I do it all the time. After a long night at the bars, I'll often curse Jews for inventing circumcision, for not doing my taxes for me, and for Hurricane Katrina. Also, I think the Bubonic Plague and dinosaurs were also the work of those troublesome Jews.

Isn't hugging Aryans the best?!

What I found annoying was this guy quoted in the CNN article:

Abraham H. Foxman, national director of the Anti-Defamation League, told The Associated Press. "Once he completes his rehabilitation for alcohol abuse, we will be ready and willing to help him with his second rehabilitation to combat this disease of prejudice."

"Come on ladies, who wants to go for a drive?

Is prejudice really a disease? I thought colon cancer and diabetes were diseases, and prejudice was just somebody not liking another group of people. If it's a disease, should I be worried about getting to close to Mr. Gibson and catching his hatred of others? Maybe it's not contagious but rather it can be passed on genetically. I'm concerned that his children will be predisposed to disliking Chanukah and accountants and whatnot.

"Hello Officer"

Well, the disease might not be physically debilitating, but it might very well be occupationally crippling. Rumor has it that a lot of Hollywood people are Jewish, and they don't like spending time with people with diseases. Especially if the disease is anti-semitism. Or leprosy. No, just anti-semitism. Jews tend to frown on those who frown upon Jews. Go figure.

My friend Wilfie sent me the following email:

I don't remember if I sent you this before, but this is for you Ry Ry:

http://ryan.youaremyfriend.com/

This had to be the most moving, heart warming link I've ever been sent. The dramatic music, the synonyms for "friend", the pretty colors; it all meant so much to me. I don't think I'll ever be the same again...


I wish I had some wine to go with all that cheese.

Reach out and touch someone...powerful.

Mu-nich rub

I thought it was pretty clear that in today's society, it is inappropriate to randomly touch coworkers. Even if the man or woman's intentions are completely innocent, they should realize that any sort of contact with another coworker could be misconstrued. I thought this was obvious. I thought most Americans understood this.

But then there's ol' Dubya.

Honestly, his intentions seem pretty innocent. He enters a room, picks out the one woman he sees, speed walks over to her and quickly massages her shoulders. Maybe this was sexist, but it wasn't harassment. However, it was pretty stupid.

Now, if this was his wife or daughters in his own home, that would be one thing. But this was the current Chancellor of Germany. He groped the leader of a major country in front of other world leaders. Sure, it's funny to me, but it's sorta sad too.

His hair could use a good tussle

What would have been better is if he started getting extra friendly with the other powerful people in the room. Maybe massaged Tony Blair instead. Or perhaps patted Vladimir Putin on the bottom, like football players sometimes do. Or perhaps tussled the hair of Japan's prime minister Junichiro Koizumi, (have you seen his hair?! It could use a good tussle).

Point is, he should know better than to do that, especially given who he is, to whom he did it, and where it went down, (at a G-8 summit, surrounded by world leaders and the press). What next?! Start cursing at these events?!

Oh. Nevermind.

Good Cents

A penny for your thoughts...

I have been saving up my spare change in a big plastic cup for a while now, with the intention to give it away to charity once the cup filled up. Well, the cup is full, but I've been having difficulty trying to decide to whom the money should go. Therefore, I propose the following: if you can guess how much money is in there, (or are the closest guesser), you can pick the charity. Give it a guess, and maybe you'll get to change where my change will go to make a change. Make cents?

..and yet a penny saved is a penny earned.

Adnonsense

So I recently decided to whore myself out by allowing ads on this blog, (so that I could make an extra $7.40 a year for things like new socks and after dinner mints). To do this, I signed up with Google's "Adsense" program. As some of you may know, the premise of Adsense is to figure out what the content of you webpage is, and then tailor ads to be as relevant as possible.

Well, a while back, I posted an article about pigeons, and it seems that this is the content Google has currently decided to focus on. Currently, three of the four text ads are pigeon related, but two of them are for buying pigeons:

Pigeons For Sale Pictures.
White Homers, Kings, Runts, Modenas Color Racing Homers, Various Breeds
www.ThePigeonLofts.com

and

Racing pigeons
Browse a huge selection now. Find exactly what you want today.
www.eBay.com

I'm not sure if these ads are appropriate, given that my blog shat on those birds who shat on me. But then again, what do I know. I'm not currently worth billions of dollars. But if I increase my readership to seven trillion, maybe in a few years I will be...

Balls to the Wall

If you haven't seen the sony Bravia ads, you should watch the movie below; it's pretty awesome. Basically, Sony wanted a different campaign for it's new high end LCD TVs and whatnot, so they decided to throw 250,000 superballs, (those brightly colored balls we all played with when we were younger), down the streets of San Francisco.

Watch the original

And it looks like these guys remade the video, but with fruit. It's pretty awesome too!

Watch the remake!

WORD of the Week

Haven't done a "Woman Of Ryan's Dreams" post in a while, so to make up for it, here are like 4 month's worth WORDs of the week. Try not to drool!

Pigeons Be-Fowling the Neighborhood

I like animals. I like people. However, don't be fooled by these generalizations; there are definitely some animals and some people I like a whole lot less than others. Today, I'd like to talk about two such examples: pigeons, and people who feed the pigeons.

Me, stepping over pigeons on my way to work.

In general, pigeons are dirty birds. Probably not all of them, just 99.99% of them. And hey, that's natural. Animals often are dirty, and that's their "right". However, unlike other animals who choose to be dirty, (like say, a badger), pigeons don't stay out of my way. Rather, these brazen birds bob and weave their way along the sidewalk right in my path, making me have to do a Monty Python Silly Walk just to make sure I don’t step on them. And when they’re not on the ground getting in my way, then they’re in the air pooping on me and everything I know and love. Do pigeons pee? Well, if they do, they are probably doing that on me as well.

But hey, birds will be birds. That is what they do; that is who they are. They don’t know any better. However, this brings me to the people I dislike: those who feed the pigeons. YOU are the real source of my ire today. YOU are the reason there are so many of them hanging out where I live and work. And YOU are pissing me off.

For example, there is this homeless woman who throws birdseed and breadcrumbs to pigeons right in front of my office building. This means that I have to navigate my way through a mine field of birds just to get into work. Eventually, they decide to all take flight en masse, which makes me cover my face like a scared little child (pigeons gouging my eyes out is like #8 on my biggest fears list). Instead of feeding the bread to the pigeons, that homeless woman should take the bread and pigeons and make a pigeon sandwich. Everyone would be better off. Except for the pigeons in the pigeon pate I guess. And except for the homeless woman, since she’d probably contract Avian Flu or something. Alright, I guess I don’t like that idea. But I also don’t like pigeons and pigeon ladies. So let me think about this for a bit…

Have you Lost your mind?

Yesterday, I found out that my flight back to DC was overbooked. Fortunately for me, I had a guaranteed seat, but there were a few people who were not so lucky. The US Airways gate attendants were paging all DC passengers to see if anyone would forfeit their seats to these unlucky travelers. One look into the pleading eyes of the poor woman by the ticket counter told me what needed to be done: I must relinquish my seat to her so that she can return home in time to feed her starving babies.

Well, MAYBE that was my reason for giving up my seat. But also, the promise of a free round trip ticket to any volunteer was also heavily factored into my decision. The idea of helping someone and getting a free ticket definitely outweighed the fact that I would get home 4 hours later. So, instead of going to DC, I was on the next flight to Philly, and from there down to DC.

"The captain has turned on the fasten seabelt sign. We may be experiencing some slight turbulence...

So you may be asking yourself, “What did Ryan do during all this extra travel time”? If you weren’t asking yourself that, take a moment, and pose that question to yourself. The answer? I started watch the show “Lost”, the hit drama on ABC about survivors of a plane crash on some creepy island. I’ve never seen the show before, but a coworker recently sent me the first season, and luckily for me, they were on my laptop, ready to be watched at my leisure. Well, having all this extra plane time, I decided to watch them on the plane. Of course, I didn’t really think it through and take into consideration that my aisle seat on both flights made my laptop visible to several people in the surrounding rows. Normally, this would not be a problem, except that in the first few episodes, it turns out that there are pretty graphic scenes of airplanes getting ripped apart, exploding, killing people etc. As the airplane I’m riding in hits turbulence and starts rocking up and down, people on the airplane in the show are being battered as their plane is destroyed, and people on MY plane are staring at me like I’m crazy. Oh well, my entertainment supercedes their desire to have a stress free plane ride. I'm selfish like that.

To recap, being a Bachelor, (and having no Sons and Daughters) made it easy to give up my ticket to the Desperate Housewife, and, while my decision to watch Lost was probably Less than Perfect, in my View, The Evidence will show that I made the right decision. Or at least, I have Hope and Faith that this is the case.

ABC you next week!